Giving Up
by alleah91
Summary: Jo gives up her dreams for something greater. Jo musings during Abandon All Hope.


**So I know that I don't do dialogue and a lot of action, but I am having trouble coming up with original story lines because it seems like everything has been done. But I really love doing this though fanfics, making up what the characters feel about the situation. This is my second from Jo about AAH and I like this one a little better. I think I have an idea for an original storyline (with action AND dialogue, WOW) but I won't be able to work on it much until summer. So until then it's mostly going to be thought fics : )**

Giving up. Those words sound seriously depressing, you know? It's like you've abandoned something, whether it is something that doesn't really matter or something that is a huge deal. Growing up, the words "giving up" were not a part of the Harvelle vocabulary. My mom always told me that once something got started, it might as well already be finished, because no way was I gonna quit. To tell you the truth, the only thing that I ever gave up on was college, but I don't count that. I quit school because it was making me give up on myself, give up on the person my mom and dad raised me to be: a dang good hunter. They did that unintentionally, of course.

That was the only thing I had given up on in my life. Until today.

Dean, did you know that I wanted more to this life? Yeah, I always wanted to be a hunter, and not just 'til I settled down, but forever and ever. But guess what, Dean-o, I am a girl. Whether or not you noticed, I am different then you, and by not being a man, most hunters.

You see, I wanted to hunt for the rest of my life, but I wanted to love somebody, too. I wanted someone to love me back, to support me, and yeah, I wanted to have little kids that were as fiery as me. I wanted a family that would work hard to have as natural a life as possible, while helping me kill all the supernatural crap that is out there.

Now, I know you probably don't understand this dream that I had, and I am not expecting you to. Heck, I would never ask you to take on all that stuff anyways. But in the back of my mind, it was you that was beside me, loving me, having kids, and most importantly, killing things.

Don't freak out and run out on me (I know that would be impossible anyways since I'm dead). I am not professing undying love for you Dean. Yeah, I love you, but in a universal way. Brother, hunter, friend, lover, whatever you could give me at the moment, that is what I loved you as. All I am saying is that in the best dream any djinn could give me, you were there lovin' me.

What does this have to do with giving up and me breaking my mom's cardinal rule? It's because I was given two chances to take or leave a future with you, and I gave up on us.

See, the first was last night. That whole "last night on earth" speech? You knew it wouldn't work, right? First of all, I meant what I said. I have way too much self respect to give into your Casanova crap. But more importantly, and something I would never tell you if I was alive, if I became one of your "girls" I would have to give up on ever becoming _your_ girl. All my dreams would go up in flames. I wasn't ready to give up on us, to give up on what I believe would have been a pretty awesome ride.

The last chance I had was probably the biggest, but quickest, decision I ever made. See, while you were getting your leg ripped into by a hell-hound, I gave up on our future, on my dreams. Going back for you meant giving up on myself. But the funny thing is, that is what I think was meant to be. And I didn't flinch when I made that choice. I thought I would, but I didn't. Because any day Dean, any time, in a decision between your life or mine, it's you _every_ time.

And I don't even know why. It's not like I can't live without you. Heck, you made me do that for almost three years. And it's not even the fact that it's up to you and Sammie to save the world. Maybe it's just because I love you. Simple as that.

Just think of the irony, Dean. It's hilarious. I gave up on you ever lovin' me because I love you.

So I gave up on me, on us, but Dean, giving up on you was never an option. I hope that counts for something, like maybe all this isn't givin' up since you get to walk away.

Anyways, I know you can't hear me, 'cause you just walked out of here and I am waiting to die. And I don't know if you will ever know how much I loved you. If you do, though, don't feel bad if you don't feel the same way. I will never know if you did, but that's fine by me. Being your friend was more than enough.

All this giving up is leading to the grand finale, I guess, 'cause Mom and I are about to give up for real. But this isn't giving up because this isn't the end. It's your turn now, my shot is over.

Get Lucifer, Dean, and get 'em good. I don't want to have died for nothing.

**So this is definitely not my favorite but I like the idea behind it, of Jo giving up on her dreams for Dean to love her because she loved him. Anyways, don't bash, but I would love your input!**


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